I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize