That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
