help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
