I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
