i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
