If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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