if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
