you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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