im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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