I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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