So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
