My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
