I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
