Acid is not a monday night drug
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I think a kid would responsible me up
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
