So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
