The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
