and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So here I am, sexting at work.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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