you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
