I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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