these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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