he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
