Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
