so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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