so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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