no, he came in my armpit
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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