Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
