Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
