Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
