Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
