I just threw up on my dentist
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
