he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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