The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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