if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
