She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
