We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
