Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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