Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
