Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Soap is not a condiment
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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