do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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