i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
