just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
