I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
