My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
