god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
