This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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