I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
