I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
