i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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