he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
