Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
