There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
