Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
