I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
